As Bart pointed out, a rose wouldn't smell as sweet if it was called a stench blossom.

 

Laoch posted a comment on one of my earlier posts saying the authors of Freakonomics had done some research into a theory related to my you-only-end-up-on-the-front-page-of-the-paper-dead-or-as-a-convicted-drug-dealer-if-you-have-a-stupid-name theory - theirs was that your name doesn't affect your future success.

 

Well, bollocks to that, I say. I have invented a new way of testing the criminal potential of a name. Prospective parents take note.

 

This is what you do. Go the the Magistrates' Court website search page, where you can search the court listings

 

 

You can search by informant (the person bringing the case, generally a Police officer), and defendant. Pick a name - say, Earl. Search for Earl as a defendant. Six cases with a defendant called Earl. Clearly, if your name is Earl you are more than likely to end up on the wrong side of the law. It's not like it's a common name.

 

I am morally neutral. There are no Rebekkas as defendants. Spell my name (ugh, shudder) with Cs however, and you end up with a long list. But then again, it's quite a common name. What we really need to do is work out a way of comparing how many people are called the name with how many end up in court. To do this, we can go to a name statistics website. It is American, but we'll assume it's relatively accurate, for the purposes of this exercise. Apparently 0.43% of women in the U.S. are called Rebecca.

 

There are around 200 cases in the Melbourne Magistrates' Court on Friday, none of the defendants are called Rebecca. That's less than 0.43% (duh!), so it's clearly not a very criminal name.

 

Let's see. Michael. My brother's name. 2.629% of men are called Michael. There are four cases on Friday with defendants called Michael, which is 2%, which is less than the population statistic, so Michael is clearly not a very criminal name either.

 

0.562% of women are called Ruth, yet none are in court on Friday. Ruths clearly behave themselves (or else they have diplomatic immunity and don't end up in the magys)

 

MB is a surprisingly rare name - there are no available statistics. And no defendants.

 

So what are the (alleged) criminal names? After extensive research, I am bound to tell you that you are more likely to end up in court if your name is Shane, Sharon, Wendy-Lee, Tracie, Ashlie, Delilah, Candice or Flowers.

 

Surprisingly - and possibly contrary to my theory - I noticed a lot of Christians as I was first looking through the list. I've only ever met two Christians (and am bound to point out that neither of them are criminals, and I like them both, despite the fact that my friends all wish to stab one of them with a fork*), and so was surprised to see so many as I browsed the court listings. Upon doing some more extensive research, I note that 0.065% of men are called Christian, yet 1% of the cases on Friday have a defendant called Christian. Clearly more likely than average to end up in the dock. Since my brother and sister-in-law were thinking of naming the new baby (if it's a boy) Christian Xavier (to annoy my grandmother, mostly, who objects to Catholic-sounding names and was most objecting to my first nephew being called Benedict), I shall have to warn them of the possible alleged criminal tendencies of this name.

 

 

 

*There will be no stabbing with cutlery, you wenches. Even if he and I never speak again, I still don't want you hurting him with utensils. You hear me?